Realists

Valya: Save me, Zhenya!

Valya: Earth to Zhenya!

Valya: I'm trying to get the pot down from the cupboard.

Zhenya: Who designed cupboards so someone as tall as me can't even reach the top shelf?

When is Sasha coming?

Valya: Turn the music off, please. I can't focus.

Sashka: Hi, Valechka! Hi, Zhen! What's up?

Valya: Nothing.

Sashka: Don't give me that look. How am I supposed to know what's going on?

Valya: Everything's fine.

Zhenya: Let's not make a big deal out of this. Let's just sit down. Or lie down.

Sashka: Let's just shut up.

Valya: Trying to get ID papers is punishment for your sins.

Sashka: I don't believe in sin.... (Slapping themselves on the lips). Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

Valya: You want to know what happened? They are either closed just like that, or they're closed because it's the weekend or a holiday, or they're closed for lunch twice a day. How's a guy supposed to get in to see them? Fine. They opened today and people flooded in, naturally. This guy kept skipping over me in the queue, as if I wasn't there or as if I was transparent. Then he says, "Oh, what's this you've got here?" and disappears for half an hour. Then he comes back and lectures me like I'm in school, telling me what's wrong with me. I hate it. I wish they'd just abolish all of it already. What difference does it make to them what's written in my papers?

Sashka: I'm adding a world without ID papers to my list of future utopias. But what if people try to scam other people?

Valya: You can scam people with an ID or without one. What's the difference? They treat us like criminals.

Zhenya: Don't take it personally. They treat everyone like that. Nothing awful happened to you. You're just on edge because---

Sashka: (interrupting) Don't interrupt!

Sashka: I want to step into that happy reality shown on the screens in the subway, where people are so bedazzled by "chalets selling felt toys."

Valya: Here's the last leaf of autumn.

Zhenya: Who was great? Peter the Great?

Valya: If I told him would he like it. Would he like it if I told him. Would he like it would Napoleon would Napoleon would would he like it. If Napoleon if I told him if I told him if Napoleon. Would he like it if I told him if I told him if Napoleon. Would he like it if Napoleon if Napoleon if I told him. If I told him if Napoleon if Napoleon if I told him. If I told him would he like it would he like it if I told him. Now. Not now. And now. Now. Exactly as as kings. Feeling full for it. Exactitude as kings. So to beseech you as full as for it. Exactly or as kings. Shutters shut and open so do queens. Shutters shut and shutters and so shutters shut and shutters and so and so shutters and so shutters shut and so shutters shut and shutters and so. And so shutters shut and so and also. And also and so and so and also. Exact resemblance to exact resemblance the exact resemblance as exact as a resemblance, exactly as resembling, exactly resembling, exactly in resemblance exactly a resemblance, exactly and resemblance. For this is so. Because. Now actively repeat at all, now actively repeat at all, now actively repeat at all. Have hold and hear, actively repeat at all. I judge judge. As a resemblance to him. Who comes first. Napoleon the first. Who comes too coming coming too, who goes there, as they go they share, who shares all, all is as all as as yet or as yet. Now to date now to date. Now and now and date and the date. Who came first Napoleon at first. Who came first Napoleon the first. Who came first, Napoleon first. Presently. Exactly do they do. First exactly. Exactly do they do too. First exactly. And first exactly. Exactly do they do. And first exactly and exactly. And do they do. At first exactly and first exactly and do they do. The first exactly. And do they do. The first exactly. At first exactly. First as exactly. As first as exactly. Presently As presently. As as presently. He he he he and he and he and and he and he and he and and as and as he and as he and he. He is and as he is, and as he is and he is, he is and as he and he and as he is and he and he and and he and he. Can curls rob can curls quote, quotable. As presently. As exactitude. As trains. Has trains. Has trains. As trains. As trains. Presently. Proportions. Presently. As proportions as presently. Farther and whether. Was there was there was there what was there was there what was there was there there was there. Whether and in there. As even say so. One. I land. Two. I land. Three. The land. Three The land. Three. The land. Two I land. Two I land. One I land. Two I land. As a so. The cannot. A note. They cannot A float. They cannot. They dote. They cannot. They as denote. Miracles play. Play fairly. Play fairly well. A well. As well. As or as presently. Let me recite what history teaches. History teaches.

Sashka: You said it, sister.

Sashka: Here's a little snapshot. I'm standing waiting for the bus. There are three guys. One on the lawn, two on the sidewalk: one carrying shopping bags, the second smoking a cigarette. The guy on the lawn is really big. And the first one isn't badly built either. None of them are small guys. And he's holding a poplar branch that's two and a half meters long. Thin, but long. And he's trying to stick the branch into the ground. For some reason, the guys are planting a tree. They're drunk, although it's morning. They're planting it---not tearing down walls. This is their conversation: "Come on, put a rock there." "No, put one on the right side." "It won't hold." "Well, then put the rock closer, closer. There. And on the other side, too." "I don't have another rock." "Put it here, right here." "The hell with it." "The root's weak." They didn't get anywhere with it. They tossed the branch and walked away. Maybe they actually knocked the tree over while they were drunk. I don't remember if it was even there or not. Do they fine people for such things nowadays?

Zhenya: Where was this?

Sashka: Behind our building, at the bus stop on the left, on the sidewalk.

Zhenya: There was a small poplar tree there, I remember. I don't like them. "Poplar fluff plops on the pavement." Poplars are more weeds than trees. Honestly, I won't miss it.

Sashka: (also wearing something colorful) It looks good on you.

Zhenya: But it doesn't look good on you.

Sashka: Really?

Valya: Sorry, yeah. Muted colors suit you better.

Sashka: Well, here, wear this. (Takes it off and hands it to Valya.)

Valya: It's just for the interview. (Puts it on.) Now I'm the boss in this house.

Sashka: You can always wear my clothes. I can't go to work every day anymore.

Zhenya: (examining Sashka's shoes) Too bad your shoes are too small for me. Oh well, at least you'll look good taking out the trash.

Valya: I'm taking off.

Zhenya: Good luck!

Valya: I'll need it! (Closes the door behind them.)

Sashka: (running to the door, opening it, and shouting Valya) Call me when it's over!

Valya: What horrible weather. There's no way I'm going outside. I'm not coming out from under the blanket. Can I just stay here like this all day?

Zhenya: Sure.

Sashka: Take an umbrella. Take the brown one with the yellow polka dots. Just don't lose it, okay? It's the only umbrella I haven't lost in the last six months. I really like it, that's why I haven't lost it. Zhen, you guys used to give me such cool ones---what happened to all of them? I got this one by mistake. It would never have occurred to me to buy an umbrella like this. It's too fancy. Sure, people give me weird looks, but I don't care.

Zhenya: Since it's so precious, I won't take it---I have a hood.

Sashka: I want a purple raincoat. And I want the entire lining to be covered with a color photo of outer space: the stars, the Milky Way, the galaxies.

Zhenya: That's beautiful.

Sashka: Okay, and I quote: "All black fabric dyes currently available worldwide are toxic, and there are no alternatives yet. [...] English scientists conducted a massive study, the results of which were published in the Big News. And on Judith Sarandon's show...." But that's not all, there's another article---

Zhenya: "English scientists." What a hoot.

Sashka: "Four thousand female workers at textile mills in India took to the streets in protest. They demanded fair wages, chanting 'No More Black Mondays!' Designers at Paris Fashion Week joined the protest, calling for people to stop wearing black. James Rivett, head of the Velázquez fashion house, said, 'Let's leave black in the past. We only want color, only unity in diversity. The world deserves more than one color. Colorful clothing is the new black.'" There's a photo of him wearing a "Colors Are the New Black" shirt.

Sashka: (speaking in the other room) Yeah. No, not today. Seriously? Who is it? Oh... I didn't recognize your voice... Ah...

Valya: What was that about?

Zhenya: It was just a little babbling brook.

Sashka: (louder, from the other room) I can hear everything you're saying! (Into the phone) No, sorry, that wasn't meant for you. I can hear you, too. Yeah, okay. Well, then, sometime this week... Uh... I'll ask right now. Maybe.

Sashka: The Soars are playing at Blisski right now. Want to go?

Valya: I still need half an hour. Should we go?

Sashka: It's the Soars---are you completely out of it? Zhenya, what do you think?

Zhenya: I'm thinking.

Sashka: You guys aren't giving me any wiggle room.

Zhenya: I have a splitting headache.

Zhenya: How much can a guy take? This swordfight has been going on for ages. Should we fast-forward?

Sashka: Are you scared?

Zhenya: I'm bored. I'm bored, and the music's too intense. And the fighting's so hectic that all I see is a blur. Maybe I should get my eyes checked? I like movies where nobody says anything and nothing happens. In my opinion, that's much more like real life. It draws me in more. Life is scarier than the movies.

Sashka: Where's your dissertation on the topic?

Zhenya: You tell us, Valya.

Valya: Nobody has time for dissertations like that.

Zhenya: Housework is my philosophy. Feed the ones you love, clean up after yourself, and so on.

Valya: I'll gut you right now, you little pig!

Zhenya: Why does the author never use third-person singular pronouns to refer to each of us?

Valya: So that actors of any sex or gender can play us.

Sashka: If there are three of us, who is the first person, the second person, and the third person?

Zhenya: That's a deep question.

Sashka: What do you mean?

Zhenya: Your question goes so deep that I can't make heads or tails of it.

Valya: Do you think a character in a play is a real person?

Sashka: In what sense?

Zhenya: In no sense. I'd rather be a real person than a character and choose my own pronouns.

Zhenya: They're not picking up. What should we do?

Valya: We'll wait till morning. In such awful weather where can a person disappear for three days?

Zhenya: Should we call the police? You can file a missing person report after forty-eight hours, right?

Valya: (calling on the telephone) They're offline. When they turn on their phone, they'll get a message that we called. I remember there's an automatic feature for that. I'm going to bed---I have to get up early tomorrow. Calling the police isn't a great idea. What would we say when we called? Who are we to Sashka?

Zhenya: Friends and roommates. No one's going to bed. Why? I'll just sit here and wait.

Valya: People need their freedom. There's no need to keep tabs on each other. We're all adults. What could possibly happen? They'll show up, and everything will be fine. I'm writing a message saying we're going to file a missing person report. Go to bed.

Zhenya: An ultimatum! And you say we shouldn't keep tabs on each other. Then don't write. We'll wait.

Valya: Maybe they'll react.

Zhenya: Let's not do that. It'd be better to write something nice. Write that we love them and are expecting them. Nothing harsh, or they'll get spooked. Let's pretend that everything's okay, rather than overthinking it. It'll all be fine.

Zhenya: Hang on one second.

Voice from the video: What a pleasant surprise it is to find a hedgehog while out on an evening stroll! But here's the kicker: the hedgehog has curled up into a ball, bristling its quills, and stubbornly refuses to unroll. Now we'll teach you the proper way to unroll it. Pick up the hedgehog and toss it gently into the air. (The hedgehog squeaks quietly.) As soon as it feels itself flying, the hedgehog will instantly unroll and stick out its legs. The hedgehog's biggest secret is out! Now you don't have to drag it into a river or poke it with your foot. The hedgehog will stay unrolled, as long as you don't scare it, of course. Now you can take a closer look at its little nose and scratch its so-o-o-oft belly. Coochie coochie coochie coo.... Where do you usually encounter hedgehogs?

Zhenya: I encounter hedgehogs early in the morning in my own bed.

Zhenya: Coochie coochie coochie coo....

Sashka: Scratch its so-o-o-oft belly!

Valya: No-o-o-o! Stop it! That tickles!

Valya: Fine, I'm going.

Valya: They're holding a protest rally tomorrow. Should we go? I have three placards for us: "Together we'll stop the stars!", "Legalize domestic bliss!" and "Friendship is firmer than love!" And we could make a fourth one that says, "Who's to blame for our desires?" Or does that sound too judgy? Probably not a good idea.

Sashka: Your slogans are so apolitical.

Zhenya: On the contrary, I think they're bold. Suggest one of your own.

Sashka: "Let's write "Screwed up? Fix it!" instead.

Valya: That's a good slogan, but you write it, so the placards are not all in my handwriting. We'll share them with someone there. Five placards for the three of us. (Holds out their hands.) One hand for you, the other for you.

Sashka: What if someone else shows up?

Zhenya: All I can think about now is a three-room flat for the three of us. It makes me so damn glad.

Valya: But I don't feel like leaving this flat. It's a place of power!

Zhenya: It's a tiny place of power. More room means more power. And you'll have your own room. (Takes out a sheet of paper.) Look: the kitchen is here, and this is the hallway---

Sashka: I don't get it. Where's the front door?

Zhenya: Here is the front door. This is the kitchen, the hallway, the bedroom door. There's a window here, and we'll put your desk here, so the light hits it at an angle.

Valya: I'm scared.

Sashka: Of what?

Valya: That our lives will change when we move. I like things the way they are. I don't want to change anything. I'm afraid that we'll grow apart as we get older. I'm afraid of loneliness: I hate waking up alone in bed.

Sashka: And who always complains that I snore loudly?

Zhenya: That's a grim scenario. Fine, then. But honestly, it'll be hard for me to let go of my dream.

Valya: Could we just take it more slowly? I just need to wrap my head around the idea that we could leave this place.

Zhenya: I'm just drawing a picture, and you like it when I draw.

Sashka: I need a hug.

Valya: The whole crowd of us exits the train and goes into a building. We have to wait for something. They say someone will come to explain everything. It's getting hot. Everyone's still dazed from the train ride and doesn't realize they could at least unbutton their shirts. After a while, a man arrives holding papers. He reads out the verdict. Everyone is guilty, and the punishment is death by burning. We stand there, not understanding what this means. He shoves his papers and a box of matches into someone's hands and locks the door behind him. I try to imagine what it will be like. How will people behave in their final seconds of torment? Then I wake up. My fever still hasn't broken. My throat is throbbing, and so is my head. I fall asleep again. Now I dream of a married couple. They're passengers on a train as tall as a four-story building, right on the fourth floor. Their spacious compartment feels like a room swaying. They go to bed. She's a beauty queen, while he's a plain-looking scientist. They discuss how it will be difficult for him to continue his work: he's been publishing strange data on his research, and everyone thinks he's psychotic. She's a rather serious person. Her long, straight black hair, which falls down to her waist, sways along with the train. They get undressed for bed. She takes off all her clothes. She's transgender. It occurs to me that she's probably living with him only because he clearly doesn't care how beautiful she is. An interesting couple, all in all. He tells her about dreams in which he flies. She worries about his well-being. She sees his flying in his dreams as an exacerbation of his condition. They fall asleep. When they wake up in the morning, for some reason they have to walk half-naked to the next car to wash up. Their toiletries, which are in their luggage, are there, in a compartment in the next car. But there are already some fully clothed people seated in that compartment who boarded the train at a stop during the night. There's so little space, what with all the people and luggage, that everyone is cramped. The train arrives at its destination. There's a lot of commotion. It's hot again. I wake up. My fever isn't as intense anymore. I look at the clock. It's four forty-three.

Sashka: You're five seconds shy of Sarah Kane.

Zhenya: No, it's just the cold talking.

Valya: (gloomily) Here it is!

Sashka: Hello!

Zhenya: Hello!

Sashka: (frightened) What's this?

Valya: Carp.

Zhenya: (sternly) Go to your room.

Sashka: Are you sure? Are they certain everything's okay? (Pause) O-o-o-oh. So, it's nothing serious? But there's a risk that... (Pause) O-o-o-oh. But what did they say? (Pause) What are we going to do if... (Pause) All right, then. You know, I've never been through anything like this before. (Pause) O-oh. Are you almost here? Wait, I'll come down to meet you right now and hold the door open.

Zhenya: So, how's it going?

Sashka: I don't know. They say everything's fine. Please don't close the door. I'll help them carry it up.

Valya: Welcome to the family!

Valya: Sasha, could you wash the dishes and your face once a week? I'm not too lazy to do it. It's just that you watch five movies a day, and that's why you're not getting enough sleep. How about we go for a walk?

Sashka: Yeah, sure.

Zhenya: What movies are on the schedule for tomorrow? My method is to go through the list of Oscar winners and watch them one after another. There's has to be something good in there, right? What are you watching?

Sashka: Some movie about teenagers. It's about betrayal.

Zhenya: What happens in it?

Sashka: I don't remember. I couldn't tell you the story. It's quite true to life.

Valya: You sure know how to make it sound exciting....

Zhenya: What's the title?

Sashka: I don't remember.

Valya: Let's compare our lists.

Zhenya: Just write down my people: Seryozha Venikov, Nastya Bogacheva, Vadik, Nail, Vasilisa, Sergo and Tamarka, Nadir.... Make sure he comes with Dima---no excuses. Okay, that's probably everyone.

Sashka: I wanted to invite some friends, but I don't really feel like it anymore after Tanya got sacked.

Zhenya: Put her on the list.

Sashka: I doubt she'll be back from Turkey by the eighteenth.

Valya: Forty people. I don't know how they'll all fit in here. Well, half of them probably won't show up.

Sashka: Warn the people upstairs so they'll know when to call the cops.

Zhenya: I'll take a cake upstairs to cheer them up.

Zhenya: I feel like a thinly sliced standard French fry, packed by mistake in a carton of home fries.

Valya: Give us a break, Zhen.

Zhenya: The two of you had it better before you met me, right?

Sashka: As a matter of fact, I was constantly pissed off that when I'd make something using the standard recipes, I would up with three portions---although there were only two of us.

Zhenya: That's not true. One pizza's not enough, two is too many. Everyone wants something different, so they compromise, and everyone is dissatisfied, ultimately.

Valya: Life is a pain.

Zhenya: You just deny yourself the things you like and then are pissed at us about it. I never do that.

Valya: It happened once last year. I can't even remember what it was about.

Sashka: What time is it?

Zhenya: (looking at their telephone) Four o'clock.

Valya: The weather's great. Let's go watch the sun come up. I know this hill on the highway. The sun will be out there in half an hour. The view is wicked.

Sashka: I'm just going to splash my eyes.

Zhenya: They're moving and they're grooving.

Valya: That's right, let's do it. What about you, Zhenya?

Valya: Everything is pointless. The weather is pointless. The streets are stultifying. Eating is pointless. Working is pointless. Doing nothing is pointless. Feeling pain is pointless. Getting excited is pointless. Being calm is pointless. Speaking is pointless. Keeping your mouth shut is even more pointless. Hating is pointless. Loving is pointless. Breathing is stultifying and pointless. Wherever you cast your gaze, there's nothing but pointlessness. Coldness is pointless. This city is pointless, and any other city is pointless too. People walk, wander, and move about, all pointlessly. What are these pointless worries of theirs? It's pointless to go, and just as pointless to stay. It's pointless to write, pointless to meet people, and pointless to be alone.

Sashka: Three August flies were going to discuss their plans for New Year's.

Zhenya: How's that?

Sashka: The world is a living organism, and we are its children. We should love flies because they're intelligent creatures like us.

Zhenya: Are flies better or worse than humans?

Sashka: It depends what humans and what flies you're talking about. You have to take an individual approach. For example, Seryozha the fly is no winner today. He's been vegging on the windowsill all the livelong day.

Valya: Sash, you're out the door in fifteen minutes and will be on the road for an hour and a half. Do you want coffee?

Zhenya: I keep track of my deeds. If I do something good, that's a plus one. And if it's crap, that's a minus one. But the bottom line is grim. It all evens out, more or less. I mean, even if you count a plus one for all it's worth, when you add it all up.... Well, it adds up to a pretty unpleasant track record.